We're Not Ready
by OnHoldWiththeCall
Summary: It wasn't supposed to happen like this. This was in no way anything either of them had been prepared for. But now they must pull together and deal with the inevitable. FrostIron mpreg


It wasn't supposed to be this way.

At least, that's what Tony Stark told himself as he nursed his fourth glass of scotch. Or was it his fifth? Did it even matter? Not when there was a bombshell of a blonde eying him from across the smoky dance floor.

Downing the last of his drink, Tony made his way over to the aforementioned hottie, returning the smile she gave him as she swayed her hips seductively to the music pounding dully over the sound system. "I know you," she murmured in Tony's ear as she knotted her hand in his silk tie. "You're Tony Stark. You're Iron Man."

Tony smirked. "Why, yes, I am. And I would just love to get to know you better."

The blonde bit her lip in that way that always drove Tony crazy. How long had it been since he had been with a woman? Six months at least. That was how long it had been since the Great Meltdown, anyway. Fury had had a field day with that. The S.H.I.E.L.D. commander had made him swear that if he valued having his internal organs where they were, he would remain faithful. It must have killed the man to admit that Tony's salacious ways presented a direct threat to the security of the entire planet.

Still biting her pink-glossed lip, the girl pressed her (amazing) body against the billionaire and, hooking her thumbs in the waistband of his pants, said, "I think that can be arranged."

* * *

Loki Laufeyson glanced at the clock for the umpteenth time in the last fifteen minutes, trying to ignore the small foot being jammed into his right kidney. It was nearly one o' clock in the morning. Where on Midgard was Tony?

The demigod wasn't sure why he was so anxious. His lover was something of an insomniac and often went out at night to enjoy the drunken company of other insomniacs. When he wasn't working tirelessly in his lab, that is. It never used to bother Loki before. In fact, he used to join Tony quite a bit, although accompanying the man on his nighttime escapades was more of a way to ensure the other man remained true. Loki was easily made jealous and his lover's reputation caused him to be more than a little suspicious. Which was exactly what he was now.

When the clocks in the Malibu mansion struck one, Loki decided he could wait no longer. "JARVIS," he called out to the room.

"Yes, sir?"

Loki repressed a shiver. He didn't think he would ever become accustomed to the computerized butler. "Has there still been no activity on any of Anthony's credit cards?"

"I'm afraid not, sir. As I suggested before, I suspect he may be using cash."

This did nothing but feed into Loki's own suspicions. He sighed. "I suppose there's nothing for it, then." Clearing his throat, Loki ordered, "JARVIS, call Pepper."

"Sir, I don't believe Miss Potts would be awake at this hour."

"I don't care," snapped Loki as he received a sharp kick to the same kidney that had been being abused before. "She is Anthony's 'handler'. She needs to handle him." After a moment's thought, he added, "And you might as well call my brother while you're at it."

"I understand Miss Potts, but why must we involve Mr. Odinson as well?"

"If we are to discover Anthony has indeed been unfaithful, I shall need someone who has no reservations about bashing his skull in." Loki wasn't playing fair and he knew that, but then again, the trickster wasn't precisely known for playing fair.

Several rings later and Pepper Potts finally picked up. "Tony, it is one o' clock in the goddamn morning. What the hell could you possibly want at one o' clock in the goddamn morning?"

"Tony isn't home."

"Oh." And just like that, Pepper's tone become somewhat cold. It had lost the icy edge that it had held when Loki first began residing with Tony, but she had begun to warm up to him when it became clear the renegade god wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Loki figured the swell of his belly helped with the process. "Then what do you want at one in the morning?"

"Tony. Is not. Home," Loki emphasized.

"So? Tony stays out late all the time. He'll probably come rolling in drunk in an hour or two. Just go to sleep and hope he doesn't cause an international incident. Like last time."

"He isn't using his credit cards."

"...You've been tracking his credit cards? Dear God, you are suspicious, aren't you?"

"Given Anthony's record, aren't you?" Then, with a pained grunt, Loki clutched his aching back and barked, "Would you please stop that?"

"Excuse me? What am I doing?"

Giving a weak smile even though he knew Pepper couldn't see him, Loki tried his best to sound apologetic as he said, "No, not you. The little one seems to have decided that I only need one kidney."

There was a brief pause during which Loki heard Pepper sigh heavily. "You just had to go and play the pregnancy card, didn't you? Fine. I'll go find him."

"Thank you," said Loki with a false sweetness.

"Yeah, whatever. You'll owe me big time for this, though."

"What, being named the godmother isn't enough?"

"You're making me the godmother?"

"Did I say that? Oh my. It was supposed to be a surprise. Well, the damage has been done. Fetch dear Anthony home for me, Pepper."

"I don't believe it. You are actually more annoying than Tony is. Anyway, I'll see you later."

"Goodbye, Pepper. Oh, and you might wish to find Anthony before my brother does."

"...You really are evil."

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Jane Foster began as she watched her incredibly cut Norse god of a boyfriend tug on a pair of jeans. "Your psychotic little brother, who not only got you banished, but also usurped your father's throne, and tried to blow up a whole other world before taking over this one, says 'come' and you just go running like a dog to its master?"

Thor Odinson paused briefly to glance over his shoulder at Jane, who was naked under the bedsheet pulled up to her chest. "It is not as simple as all that," he insisted. "Firstly, he did not intend to have me banished, and secondly, he did not usurp my father's throne. Order of succession decreed that he was to rule in the stead of my father and myself."

"But the attempted genocide and megalomania did happen, right?"

"Have I mentioned he's adopted?"

Rolling her eyes, Jane laughed and chucked a pillow at Thor. "But seriously, explain to me again just why you have to fly out to Malibu right this instant?"

Sighing, Thor buttoned his plaid shirt. "Despite all he has done, Loki is still my brother and I will always go to his aide. Besides, I do not trust the Man of Iron. And with Loki in his delicate state..."

"Right, the baby." Jane still couldn't quite believe that Thor's brother was pregnant, even though the blonde man hadn't seem terribly surprised when Loki had announced he was expecting. No, the emotion Thor expressed was outrage over learning who the father was. That didn't surprise Jane. Tony Stark and Loki Laufeyson were a highly publicized couple, especially after Loki leveled six blocks in San Diego after finding out Tony had been cheating on him for three months. This only solidified in Thor's mind that Tony was a poor choice of a mate for his brother. "Well, just hurry back."

Grinning, Thor leaned over to kiss Jane on the cheek. "As quickly as I am able, my lady."

* * *

Pepper found herself outside the rather seedy nightclub and wished that for once she felt more shocked than she did. She wished Tony felt more shame than he probably did. Blowing her carroty bangs out of her eyes with a great puff of her cheeks, Pepper braced herself for what she might find inside before she entered the club.

It took no time at all to find Tony. Of course it wouldn't. The only place someone with Tony's personality could be was the center of everyone's attention. Pepper had to shove her way through the mass of writhing, sweating, reeking bodies to get the chocolaty center. There she discovered her so-called "boss", grinding against about four different girls, something Pepper was newly aware was possible. Now, she felt enraged. Which was refreshing. Grabbing Tony by the collar of his jacket, Pepper forcibly dragged the genius billionaire supposedly-former-playboy philanthropist away from his adoring fans. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded, just barely able to make herself heard over the roar of the music.

"What am I doing? I'm just showing my friends a good time! Isn't that right, guys?" With a raise of his arms, Tony looked around the club like a king surveying his kingdom as the crowd have a raucous cheer. Pepper growled in frustration. Readjusting her grip on Tony's collar, she proceeded to drag the man from the club.

Breaking out into the fresh night air, Pepper finally released Tony's jacket. "What the fuck, Tony?"

"I should be asking you that!" retorted Tony. "What the fuck are you doing, ruining my good time? Who the hell told you I was here, anyway?"

"No one told me. I just made an educated guess." Running her fingers through her hair in frustration, Pepper groaned, "If you want to know how I knew to come looking for you... Loki called."

"Loki?" A flash of something other than booze flickered in Tony's dark eyes. "Why? Is he all right? Is everything okay with the baby?"

"Oh, so you remember the baby."

"Of course I remember the baby! I can't fucking forget the goddamn baby!"

Pepper blinked. This was a whole night of new experiences with Tony. Never once since he told her that Loki was pregnant did she ever hear the man speak ill of his unborn child. Apprehension towards his rapidly approaching, unplanned fatherhood, sure, but he seemed to think the world of the baby and its mother. Suddenly, Pepper was very concerned. "Tony... what happened?"

Tony began to pace anxiously, raking his hands roughly through his dark hair. "What happened? You want to know what happened? I felt the baby kick the other day, that's what happened!"

Pepper stared blankly at her employer and best friend. "...You felt the baby kick?" she repeated, receiving a nod as an answer. "But that's a good thing, right? It means the baby's healthy and everything. Right?"

"Yeah, yeah, the kid's alive and kicking," Tony spat, the sense of misery more than colouring the pun that was probably entirely intended.

Pepper shook her head. "Okay, you've lost me," she said. "Most parents would be thrilled to feel the kid kick. I get that you like to do things your own way-it's one of the things you and Loki have in common-but lying to your severely emotionally unstable pregnant boyfriend and going out partying is a little extreme. Even for you, Tony."

"How do you know I lied?"

"Please, would Loki be this freaked out if you has told him the truth?"

"If I had told Loki the truth, there wouldn't be a Malibu right now. And Loki's just naturally suspicious. Isn't there a saying about trust being the foundation of a relationship?"

"Well, based on what I just saw, I can't say I blame Loki for not trusting you!"

"Oh, and now you're taking his side? And here I thought you didn't even like Loki."

"That's not- He threw you out a window, Tony!"

"And I got him knocked up! I think we're about even now."

Groaning, Pepper buried her face in her hands. This was getting nowhere. She was way too familiar with the man's avoidance strategy to hope for anything else. "What is this all about, Tony?" she sighed. "And I mean really about. Why are you here, feeling up everything with a pulse, instead of at home with the love of your life, massaging his swollen feet?"

"I never said Loki was the love of my life."

"Tony!"

"Fine. Fine! You want to know what's going on with me? All right, I'll tell you." Tony resumed his frantic pacing, looking almost manic as he fussed with his dark hair. "I am terrified, Pepper! I am scared shitless about becoming a dad! You know me better than anyone, Pep. Do I seem like father material to you? For the last couple months, I've been sort of able to ignore it. I mean, yeah, sure, Loki's showing a little, and yeah, he's telling me he can feel the thing move, but I haven't experienced anything yet. But then, two days ago, he's grabbing my hand and pressing it to his stomach, asking if I can feel it. And you know what I felt, Pepper? This little tiny foot pressing against my hand from inside his belly. And it freaked me the hell out! And now every since then, I can only view Loki's stomach as a ticking time bomb, and July twenty-seventh is D-Day. And the worst part is that that's not even for sure! The bomb could go off at any time within the weeks before or after that day! So yeah, I thought I'd have a little bit of a last hurrah before I'm shackled with the responsibility of fucking up an innocent life."

Pepper could only stare. The seemingly unflappable Tony Stark was shaken to the core. Now, the woman knew Tony was nowhere near as invulnerable as he liked to make himself look, but this was something she was not prepared for. Of course, she hadn't been prepared for Tony to house a convict Norse god in his mansion and then subsequently dump her for said Norse god, followed almost immediately by getting that god pregnant, either. "Tony... Have you talked to Loki about any of this?"

Tony let out a bark of laughter that lacked any sort of amusement. "Have you seen Loki lately? And we thought he was unstable when he tried to take over the world! Let me tell you, hormones have not done his mental state any favors." Running his hands down his face, Tony leaned against the nearest wall and said, "He's even more of a wreck over this than I am, Pep, although he'd rather die than admit it. When he made me feel the baby, he broke down crying, saying how terrified he is, and how he isn't ready to be a mother, and he's so worried that he's going to screw this kid up like our parents did us. After he says all that, how can I just sit there and say, 'Yeah? Well, I'm scared and have no idea what I'm doing, too.' I can't, Pepper! I can't just admit I'm horrified about the future when Loki, who's carrying the goddamn kid, is barely holding himself together! He's expecting me to be strong for him and I just can't be!"

"Have you ever thought maybe he doesn't want you to be strong for him? I'm not saying I know the guy particularly well, but it seems to me that when Loki shares things like that, which happens so rarely we might as well erect statues to memorialize the occasions, he more wants to be validated than supported. He wants to know that what he's feeling is okay, and who better to tell him that than you? I'm guessing you weren't much help, though. Just patted him on the back and said, 'You're worrying for nothing' in classic cavalier Tony style."

Tony hated it when Pepper was right. Which was more often than he was willing or able to admit. Not that it matter, but at least Pepper wasn't looking at him with that smug grin that she got when she knew she was right, for at that moment her phone rang.

"Hello? No, that won't be necessary. Yeah, I found him. How about I let him tell you that. I have a feeling you guys are going to have to have a long talk. Yeah, I'm bringing him home now. See you in a while." Upon hanging up, Pepper look pointedly at Tony.

The genius grinned. "Was that the warden? You bringing me home, copper?"

"Yep," Pepper said, stashing away her phone. "And by the way, you better be grateful as hell it's me that found you and not your thunder god of a brother-in-law."

At this, Tony was aghast. "Loki called Thor?"

* * *

"My many thanks, Pepper. Farewell." Loki hung up the phone, his eyes fixed on the balcony beyond the large window where his brother had just landed heavily, Mjölnir in hand. The dark-haired man gave a quick order for JARVIS to open the window as he strode forth to greet Thor.

"Loki, my brother!" Thor called jovial as Loki approached. "Aren't you looking... Well, quite frankly, brother, your belly could put Volstagg's to shame!"

Loki gave a wane smile in reply to his adopted brother's (undoubtedly) good-natured joke, placing a hand atop the growing bulge of his stomach. He could barely believe he had roughly another four months left of this hell they called pregnancy. "Well, brother, at least my girth is the result of the noble process of creating new life instead of simply too many roast boars."

Thor laughed at this, and Loki began to wonder why he had called upon the great oaf again. "So, Loki, where is the Man of Iron? Has he not yet returned?" Thor's voice lost a bit of its usually pleasant tone, and the younger man remembered why he had called him. While Thor did not outright hate Tony Stark-not that he could, with both being Avengers and all-he had not been pleased when he discovered the billionaire was responsible for "defiling" his precious younger brother. Subsequent news of Tony's actions had not endeared him to the blonde demigod, the latest insult being Tony refusing to marry Loki once the latter fell pregnant. Loki had tried to explain on several occasions that this was a mutual decision on their part (he and Tony had talked about marriage soon after Loki broke the news about the baby), but Thor would hear none of it and continued to accuse Tony of dooming his little brother to the shameful fate of bearing a bastard child. Loki soon gave up on trying to convince Thor of anything and began just to use him as a way of keeping Tony in line.

"Pepper is retrieving Anthony for me," Loki in informed his brother, kneading a thumb into his back with a grimace.

"Brother?" Thor looked concerned. "Is everything all right?"

Dismissing the blonde man's worries with a wave of his hand, Loki answered, "Yes, everything's perfectly all right." He didn't need to go into detail about all the discomforts of pregnancy. It would only cause Thor's concern to grow and besides, that was what he had Tony for.

The thunder god, however, was not to be dissuaded. "Would you sit down?" he suggested softly, gesturing to one of the large sofas in the living room. "I dislike the idea of you standing for long."

"I am not made of glass, Thor. I am merely with child," Loki spat. He did not agree with his adopted brother's overprotectiveness on the best of occasions, but he generally put up with it. Ever since Thor found he was to be an uncle, however, Loki had found these tendencies to be nearly intolerable. He almost wanted to continue to stand, just to spite Thor, but his aching back and feet protested to the idea. Muttering curses under his breath, Loki managed to lower himself gingerly onto one of the couches, a task which had been much easier when he didn't appear to be smuggling a good-sized globe beneath his shirt. He shot the dirtiest look he could muster at Thor, who continued to smile in his slightly goofy way.

Thor took the seat beside the once slight man. "Shall I wait with you until Stark arrives?"

"Might as well. At the very least, your presence will frighten him enough to never attempt this again."

Smiling wider still at the thought of keeping Tony Stark in line, Thor reached over and, completely unbidden, placed a large hand on Loki's stomach. "By the Allfather, this little one's already quite the warrior, isn't it?" he laughed.

"Yes, it is," Loki said, a bit of pride shining through the miserable tone he had taken. "I sometimes think it intends to fight its way right out of my womb."

"It shall be clever as well," Thor put in with a knowing nod. "No child of yours and Stark's could be born into any world and not be too clever by half. Truly a child worthy of Asgard."

"Thor..."

"Mother and Father wish to see you," Thor ploughed on as though unaware of Loki's faint protest. "And the child, too, after it is born. I bring them news of you both, when I can, and I know Mother often inquires after you to Heimdall, but... They miss you. Everyone at home does."

Loki let out a harsh bark of laughter. "Oh, yes, I'm sure!" he cried. "What, have they run out of jokes there in Asgard? Have they run out of cautionary tales for children? 'Oh, gather round, children! It's time for the tale of the monster who believed he was a man!' Pah! I think not."

"Loki..." It was Thor's turn to argue softly. "Are you really more at home here on Midgard than you ever were in Asgard? Do you truly feel so unwelcome there that you would rather stay here with a man who would just as soon abandon you for the next thing that catches his fancy?"

"I will not have you speak so callously of Tony!" Just like that, Loki was off the couch, pacing furiously with his arms crossed over his chest. "He would never leave me. Never." That had always been something of a mantra for Loki ever since his and Tony's relationship became something more than just that of begrudging housemates, but he had found himself using it more often ever since he found out he was having Tony's child.

"He does not treat you well, Loki."

"He treats me well enough!" Loki ceased his pacing, standing in front of the darkened window overlooking the ocean. His faded reflection stared back, all swollen belly and sallow skin and tired pale blue eyes. He tucked a strand of black hair that had managed to fall out of place behind his ear. Feeling suddenly vulnerable, he wrapped his arms tightly around his chest. "Tony loves me."

"Does he, though, brother? Has he told you as much? Does he show you that his intentions are true?"

"Of course he does!" Loki barked. "How else do you believe I ended up in this position?" Turning so that he was now in profile from Thor's perspective, Loki ran a hand along his stomach.

"You are wiser than I, brother. Surely you must realize that simply because a man lies with you, it is no guarantee of his affections."

"Silence! You know nothing!" Pressing his back to the cool, dark glass of the window, Loki slid to the floor, clutching his belly. Hateful tears burned his eyes, but he refused to cry. Just as he refused to listen to Thor. Tony did love him, of that he was certain. _But are you? Can you be so sure? Anthony is like you. A liar. How can you know for certain of all those pretty little words that man has spoken weren't merely falsehoods designed to get you in his bed. You were once so skilled at spotting liars, Loki Laufeyson. Love and the child in your belly have made you weak._

Scowling, Loki shook the mischievous voice from his head. It had only grown louder since the discovery of his pregnancy, and he found its tireless whisperings incredibly disconcerting.

"Sirs, I am pleased to inform you that Miss Potts and Mr. Stark have just arrived and are boarding the lift promptly."

"Thank you, JARVIS." With a grunt of effort, Loki managed to struggle back to his feet, tugging his shift down more to try to appear at least slightly more together than he actually felt. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for whatever state his lover would present himself in.

The lift door slid open with a ding, revealing Pepper Potts clutching the elbow of a seemingly unstable Tony Stark. "Hey, everyone," Pepper greeted with a false cheeriness, dragging Tony behind her as she exited the lift. "Lovely evening, isn't it?"

"It is indeed a fair night, Lady Pepper," Thor agreed pleasantly. Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sarcasm had never been his brother's strong suit.

"Thank you, Pepper, for retrieving my wayward lover for me," said Loki, stepping forward to take Tony from his assistant.

"That's what I'm here for," Pepper sighed, gesturing weakly. "Well, if that will be all, I'll be heading back home now. See you tomorrow, Tony. You know, if Loki doesn't kill you first."

"What? Wait, no!" Tony detached himself from his boyfriend and rushed over to the leaving woman, clinging to her arm. "Pepper, you cannot leave me alone with these people. If you haven't noticed, one of them is insane and one of them is after my head on a silver platter! And I'm not even sure which is which!"

"Well, then go make nice and maybe you will get to keep your head!" Patting her boss on the shoulder, she whispered, "Good night, Tony."

"Yeah, g'night, Pepper." Waving his assistant off half-heartedly, Tony spun around on one foot to face the rest of the room. "Loki! My darling! My love, my angel, the apple of my eye! How are you this fine evening?"

"Not well, I'm afraid," Loki replied, his eyebrows raised and his arms crossed. "Where exactly have you been, Anthony?"

"Oh, so I'm Anthony tonight, am I?" Tony took several steps closer to Loki, gently grabbing hold of the taller man's elbows. "Look, Loki, do we have to have this conversation in front of Golden Boy over there?" He glanced worryingly at Mjölnir, which Thor had resting on his lap.

Shaking his lover off of him, Loki took one great stride backwards to stand near where Thor was still sitting. "And what conversation are we having, exactly?" he asked. "And I'm sure anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of my brother. Especially if I don't like what you say. Then I'll need my brother and his ridiculous hammer to_ break every bone in your body_."

Tony suddenly felt a little hot under the collar, and not in the good way. "Look, Loki, whatever you're thinking-"

"Where were you tonight, Anthony?" Loki asked sharply. "And don't tell me whatever fabricated meeting you informed me you were attending before you left ran late. I am not a fool, Anthony Stark."

Sighing, Tony loosened his tie and said, "Look, I just needed a little break, so I-"

"A break from what, pray tell? What exactly is it in your charmed life that requires you to look for respite in the company of other drunkards and loose women?"

"Despite what you seem to think, my life is far from 'charmed'. And how the hell do you know where I was?"

"You reek of alcohol and cheap perfume! What part of 'I am not a fool' do you not understand?" Feeling vulnerable again, Loki hugged himself tightly and willed himself not to begin crying. He had never been shy about shedding tears under duress before, but now it seemed to happen embarrassingly often. And it wasn't just a tear or two, either, but full blown sobbing. Now, he had read all the books and knew all about hormones, but that didn't prevent him from feeling ashamed of himself.

"Loki..." The obvious look if distress on his sort of boyfriend's face finally penetrated the alcohol haze in his brain and tugged at his heartstrings (which did exist, despite what the tabloids said). Tony glanced over to Thor, who was tightening his grip threateningly on Mjölnir's handle. "Thor, could you please leave us alone for a minute? I swear, I'll let Loki call you back in to beat the crap out of me at any time, but I feel like we're about to have a moment here, and I would rather keep it private."

Thor did not appear convinced. He looked to Loki, who nodded his approval of his brother taking his leave. Still not looking as though he believed this to be a good idea, the blonde demigod rose from the couch and left the living room.

Now it was just Tony and Loki, and Tony was questioning the wisdom of having Thor leave the room. Loki didn't appear to be his biggest fan at the moment. Of course, Tony wasn't even his own biggest fan right then.

Loki couldn't think of a single thing to say now that Thor was gone. All of his previous ire had somehow vanished, leaving nothing but a hollow feeling in his chest. Turning and walking away from his lover, the dark-haired Jötunn lowered himself awkwardly onto the nearest couch, placing his hand over his belly as he did so. He decided it didn't matter what Tony told him. It wouldn't change anything. They would just end up back in the same rut once again.

"Loki, let me explain-"

"What is there to explain, Anthony? You went out for a night of drink and revelry. Tell me, how many whores did you have to fuck before you felt yourself a man again?"

"What- This isn't about me feeling like a man, Loki!"

"Then what precisely is this all about, Anthony? What is it that drives you out into the night? That drives you away from me?" Loki couldn't prevent the tears falling from his eyes now. He turned his face away from his lover, wiping at his eyes with the heel of his hands. "And I would appreciate the truth."

Tony couldn't restrain his laughter. "The god of lies is demanding the truth! Oh God, there's some delicious irony in that."

This was not the best idea, but Tony was too wasted to realize that until it was much too late. Loki snapped his head around to glare at his lover, murder plainly written in his blue eyes. "I am not truly the god of anything, as you well know," the taller man snarled. "However, I am the mother of your unborn child, and I do expect you not to lie to me."

Tony had been dreading this moment. He had all but convinced himself that Pepper was wrong and there wasn't going to be any long conversation about anything. He had convinced himself it would be like it always was. He and Loki would scream at each other without really saying anything; Loki would threaten to destroy something or take over something, and Tony would threaten to had the demigod over to S.H.I.E.L.D. or, gods forbid, Odin. Loki might smash something, and Tony would let him. Then the mortal would make a joke, and the trickster would snicker in spite of himself, and since they had made the pact long ago to avoid going to bed angry at all costs, that would be the end of it.

Clearly that wasn't on the menu tonight.

"I don't know what to say that won't make me seem like an ass," Tony admitted, mostly stalling for time.

Loki gave an indignant snort. "I don't see how you can make yourself like any more of an ass than you already have."

"...Right." Pacing the floor in front of the blue-eyed man, the supposed philanthropist attempted to gather his fuzzy stream of consciousness into coherent thoughts. Normally, his brain-to-mouth sensor was in a state of perpetual disrepair, but he had a feeling now was not the time to blurt out the first thing that came to mind. Which in this case was, What the hell am I doing here alone with a completely psychotic, all-powerful alien being who is both perfectly capable of-and willing to-turn me inside out with a flick of his wrist? Not a good opening statement. He supposed he should just start with what Loki asked for: Honesty. Resting his hands on the back of his head, Tony stopped pacing and turned to face the expectant sorcerer. "I'm terrified, Loki."

Loki raised his eyebrows at this. "I realize I can come across as frightening at times, but I thought you more or less immune to my intimidation. Especially in my... current condition."

"Okay, first off, it doesn't matter how pregnant you get, you will always scare the crap out of me." Tony thought about this for a moment. "Actually, I think you might be more scary now than you were when you were summoning alien armies. But that's not what's freaking me out. No, what's scaring me is-" Tony gestured vaguely at Loki's swollen belly.

As though barely conscious of the action, Loki ghosted his fingers over the curve. "The child," he supplied quietly.

Tony nodded gravely.

Loki considered this before clenching his hands into fists. "Why did you not mention this to me before?" he growled.

"When would you have liked for me to have mentioned this, Your Highness?" snapped Tony. "When you were telling me you're pregnant at my sickbed and making it sound like this wonderful, miraculous thing you had just come to terms with? Or how about a few days ago when you were crying on my shoulder about how scared you are? When was there ever a good time to tell you I'm not ready to be a father?"

"And you think I'm prepared to be a mother? You know perfectly well that I am not! And I would not have to be if I did not desire it!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Rising from his seat, Loki stormed out of the room. He didn't give explicit instructions, but he believed Tony would have enough sense to realize that he wanted to be followed. He ignored Thor's bewildered statement of "Brother, what-" as he passed. Making away to the mansion's spacious, if hardly touched kitchen, Loki entered the large pantry and began rummaging through it.

Tony didn't know what Loki destroying the pantry had to with anything, but he waited patiently until the taller man emerged with what looked to be a wad of cloth. Loki slammed it down on the counter in front of Tony for the genius to inspect. Warily, Tony unwrapped one corner of the cloth to reveal some sort of dried, crumbling herb. "You've been stashing weed? I've got to admit, babe, I never pegged you for a stoner; always took you as someone into the harder stuff. Cocaine, maybe. But I can't say I approve of either while you've got my kid in you."

Loki rolled his eyes. "That's not what it is, you imbecile!" he snapped before going quite, suddenly feeling inexplicably ashamed of himself. "...It's an abortifacient. A powerful one. I had Thor acquire it for me from Asgard soon after I discovered I was with child."

Tony took a moment for this to settle in. Alcohol and hot tempers were making him especially think headed that night. "Abortifacient?" he said dumbly. "So you weren't even going to have this kid in the beginning?"

"Of course not!" Loki was not looking at Tony. Instead he stated fixedly on the floor, his folded arms resting atop his belly. "Well... In truth, I was set on having it the moment I found out. My upbringing did not let me believe I had another option. However, a week later, you gave that statement about never wanting children. That was when I decided to terminate. I thought things would be much more simple that way."

"And you would have never told me, would you?"

"No. Like I said, I believed things would be simpler without the child. They still would be, it seems. And if I had decided to go through with it, there would have never been any reason for you to know."

Tony nodded numbly, looking at the dried herb. Suddenly, the sight of it filled his mouth with scorching bile. He pushed the cloth away. "Why did you decide not to? Go through with it, I mean."

Loki thought about this for a moment. Truth was he didn't really know why he had decided not to take the herb. He recalled sitting alone, the pungent broth steaming in front of him. For half an hour he sat, trying to convince himself to swallow the medicine and be done with it. He almost did, too. He had touched his lips against the mug, seconds away from drinking, when an inexplicable sickness ran through him. Shuddering, he had slammed the mug down, shattering it in the process. "...It didn't feel right," he said finally. "No matter how I tried to tell myself differently, it felt that... that to kill my child would be something utterly unforgivable."

If the circumstances had been different, Tony would have been snorting with laughter over the thought of Loki Laufeyson-who was responsible for ending hundreds of innocent lives without a second thought-having a moral dilemma over whether or not to end the life of something hardly bigger than a peanut. However, considering the little peanut in question was his child... "I'm glad you didn't."

Loki at last looked to his lover. He blinked. "You are?" he asked disbelievingly.

It was Tony's turn to roll his eyes. "I said that I'm scared, Loki," he reminded the trickster. "I never said I'm not happy about the baby."

"It is implied..."

"Well, I didn't mean to imply anything," insisted Tony. Sighing, he stepped around the counter and took Loki by the elbow. "Come on, let's sit down."

"Why is everyone suddenly so keen that I never be on my feet?" But Loki did not argue as Tony led him over to a bar stool and helped him onto it. He grunted as the baby shifted within him, an elbow jabbing him painfully in the side. The movement seemed almost deliberate. "I do not think the child enjoys us fighting."

"That makes two of us." Tony sat himself on the stool next to Loki. They lingered in silence for a few minutes, Loki rubbing circles on his stomach in an attempt to settle his child, but to no avail. Tony watched helplessly for a while before hesitantly placing a hand on the swell of the fallen god's belly. "Hey, kid. I think your mom would appreciate it if you settled down now." All Tony got for his effort was what he interpreted as an indignant jab to his hand. "Well, it's certainly your kid. It's got the same 'I do what I want' attitude. Less sure about it being mine, though. You sure you didn't get freaky with Thor about six months ago?"

Loki was less than amused by this attempt at humour. "I am not the one with the record of infidelity, Anthony Stark," he sniffed. "Rest assured this child is yours."

Nodding, Tony retracted his hand. "...This is all happening so fast."

"I've noticed," Loki agreed wholeheartedly. "I was not sure what to expect as far as the gestation period went, given the hybrid nature of the child, but it seems to be favouring the human length of nine to ten months instead of Jötunn's eighteen-"

"No, Loki, that's not what I meant," Tony cut in, suddenly horrified by the idea of Loki being pregnant for a year and a half. "I meant us. We're happening fast. Too fast, I think sometimes."

Loki's throat suddenly felt very dry, which was odd considering how moist his palms now were. "What are you saying, Anthony?"

"I'm saying think about it, Loki. I mean, eleven months ago I hated you! When you showed up here after breaking out of whatever prison Odin had set up for you back in Viking-land, I had half a mind to just turn you over to SHIELD right then and there. I still don't know why I didn't. Then two months later, completely out of the blue, we're sleeping together. Still don't really know how that happened, either. And I'll be honest, I was the one who fucked up when it came to the first few months of our relationship, mainly because I didn't want to admit we even had a relationship. I mean, a supposed superhero screwing a former super villain? There's got to be some rule against that. But by some miracle, we sort of managed to work through that only for you to get pregnant almost immediately. Saying that threw me for a bit of a loop would be an understatement. I got a whole rollercoaster out of that little announcement. Still not sure if I ever got off yet. Isn't that one of the perks of sleeping with a guy? No... accidents?" Tony twirled his finger in a circle to indicate Loki's stomach.

Feeling a bit self-conscious, Loki shifted in his seat. "I'm not human, Tony, however much I may look like one," he reminded the shorter man. "You cannot have imagined the usual human rules would apply-"

"Yeah, the funny thing is I always assumed those myths where you gave birth were bullshit. Or horse shit, as the case may be." The venomous look he received from his kind of partner warned Tony yet again that humor was currently not appreciated. Raising his eyes and diverting his eyes, Tony let out a puff of air, drumming on his thighs. "So, anyways, to summarize: Less than a year of not hating each other, and we're already having a kid. And you're telling me that this whole thing doesn't seem to be moving a little too fast for you?"

"The myths are not entirely accurate, you are correct. And it is not as if this babe was planned-"

"Which somehow makes about a hundred times not better." Tony bent forward, cradling his face in his hands. "I don't think I can do this, Loki. I don't think I can be a dad."

Loki took a deep breath, trying not to let it show just how much these words upset him. A frighteningly large portion of him wanted to kill Tony for saying such things, forcing him to remind himself that such an action would be entirely counterproductive. Besides, he had been expecting this. Tony Stark was not the man you thought of when picturing the ideal father. In fact, he was almost completely the opposite. Then again, Loki wasn't precisely ideal mother material himself. Their entire coupling ran on improbability, disaster, and just a hint of madness. These were all things Loki thrived on, but he highly doubted they were the sorts of things a child should be brought in to.

Besides, he agreed with Tony. The fact the baby-or anything, really-had not been planned was frightening. Despite his penchant for chaos, Loki was a planner; he always had been. That everything in his life was currently based on happenstance and accidents made him feel horribly out of control. He wasn't, as it stood, making things happen. They were just happening, and there was nothing immediately within his power he could do to stop it or affect the outcome. More than anything, the trickster felt trapped, caged, and he hated feeling that way. The absolutely worst thing was he had let it all get to this point of his own accord.

"Could you say something? I get nervous every time you go quiet. I feel like your plotting my untimely demise. Don't think that just because you make it look like an accident the rest of the team won't suspect you immediately."

Loki smirked in spite of himself. "I suppose pleading my belly would do me no good, then?"

"It'll do wonders for preventing them from killing you. Locking you up is another thing entirely."

His light chuckle dying away, Loki cleared his throat. "Let's stop changing the subject, Anthony."

"Right..."

"You're not ready to be a father. I have already stated that I am not ready to be a mother. We have roughly four months before either of us have very little choice in the matter. What do you propose we do?"

Sighing, Tony ran his hands over his face and through his dark hair. "There's really no getting out of this, is there?"

"For me, at least, there is not," Loki corrected, squirming in his seat. He licked his lips and swallowed liberally. Anything to make the dryness in his throat and mouth go away. "You could leave at any time, or I could leave, but I would still be the one with the child. And I will not hand this baby over for another family to raise nor will I abandon it. So, no, I have long passed having a choice."

Tony gave Loki a sideways look. "Well, I'm not leaving. You know that, right?"

"Of course I do," Loki said quickly. Perhaps a bit too quickly. Looking away from his lover, he added, "I always enjoy hearing you say it, however."

There was a heavy (_almost pregnant_, Tony thought with a little smirk) silence, lasting several minutes. It was Tony who finally broke it.

"So neither of us are ready to be parents."

"So it would seem."

"And we've got a kid who's going to be here in four months."

"Yes, we do."

"So, what the hell are we supposed to do?"

Loki let out a long, heavy sigh. "I suppose we might as well accept the inevitable," he said. "Perhaps we should begin by preparing the nursery? I believe we have been avoiding that long enough."

"I guess you're right," Tony agreed weakly. "Probably should start stocking up on things like diapers and clothes and baby... things." Looking to his lover, he asked, "What kind of things do babies need, anyway?"

Loki shrugged. "I have never cared much for children before. I do not know what they require."

"Well, you're the one who's been reading all the books."

"It appears I have not been reading the right ones."

"All right, all right! No need to get touchy." Tony was quiet for several moments. "Guess we'll just have to consult Pepper then."

"Is it because she's a woman you expect her to be better than we at child rearing or is there some other reason you deemed fit to call upon Lady Pepper?"

"What have I said about getting touchy? And since when did you become such the feminist?"

Loki scowled. "I never said-"

"I know, I know. I'm just saying..." But Tony didn't know what he was saying any more. He was drunk and exhausted, and discussing how to prepare for your future child was not a conversation to be having when you were drunk and tired. "We'll just start with the baby's room and go from there. Maybe this whole 'nesting' thing will help us feel better about this whole 'becoming a parent thing. Speaking of which, do we want a nursery at the Avengers Tower, too? I know you're, like, never there but..."

Loki considered this for a moment. He generally avoided appearing in the Avengers Tower, being well aware of how incredibly strange and awkward it was for everyone to have the reason they pulled together as a team to defeat wandering the halls, no matter who he was courting or how pregnant he was. Well, Thor didn't share that sentiment, but- Loki slapped his forehead. "Thor!"

"What about him?"

"He is still here, you dolt! Valhalla, I had completely forgotten about him..."

Tony had, too, in all honesty. As previously stated, he was really very drunk and insignificant things like the burly blonde Norse god lingering in his hallway, waiting for his cue to murder the billionaire, were hard to focus on. Especially when more important things like not being killed by the lanky raven-haired Norse god he was having a kid with occupied his mind. Speaking of which...

"Hey," Tony said, grabbing Loki's arm as the taller man slid off his bar stool. "Are we good?"

Loki only stared at him with those unnervingly pale eyes of his. Tony sort of hated it when he did that. It was like the higher being was staring directly into his soul and unfortunately, as far as Loki went, that had some extremely negative connotations. "Yes," Loki said at last. "We are 'good'."

Tony smirked. He loved the way Loki sometimes said things as though he was putting air quotes around them, especially Earth colloquialisms. "Okay then." He released Loki's arm.

"At least," Loki suddenly amended, "until tomorrow. When you are less... intoxicated." With that, he stalked off, most likely to inform his brother that his skull-crushing services were no longer required, leaving Tony in a state of abject horror.

He might be less drunk tomorrow, but he would be incredibly hung over. And Loki knew just how to exploit that.

Hanging his head to bury his face in his hands, Tony wondered-not for the first time-if he was mad. He had to be, he reasoned, to even consider sleeping with Loki that first time (although admittedly there had been a lot less considering and a lot more alcohol when it came to that decision). Tony was still trying to figure out whether that was a good or bad decision. He was mostly inclined to say bad (and he knows his "teammates" would agree wholeheartedly with him), but then again, it seemed that his whole relationship with Loki was just one bad decision after another. And they weren't all his, either. He could only hope they would all lead to a semi-okay outcome. He couldn't even wish for a full-fledged good.

Sighing, Tony dropped to the floor and slunk off to the bedroom he had somehow ended up sharing with the megalomaniac that once tried to get all of Earth to kneel before him. After all, if he was to submit to Loki's torture tomorrow, he might as well be rested for it.


End file.
